Feb 14, 2014 Unfinished Musings

I lost sleep for you

–Which is perhaps the best way I can show you how much I care.
at 5:30, I stood on your doorstep in 2 degree weather and rang your doorbell every four minutes for twelve minutes–because I didn’t want to irritate you if you HAD heard it. (next time I will ring more aggressively, I suppose).

Do you know what time I had to wake up in order to be on your doorstep by 5:30? Let’s just say, I’m rather tired at the moment.

The earrings are beautiful, but there is no sentimentality here. They were already created. I picked from among a stock of things that you might value at $15-20 each…
But there is no WORTH or SIGNIFICANCE other than that I like dangly earrings and you happen to have made some years ago that you hadn’t sold.

You have made irresponsible choices on my behalf, but dear one, have you ever truly inconvenienced yourself on my behalf?

I wonder if we would still have a relationship if I stopped making it so darn convenient for you.

Not that I think a relationship should be difficult. But I think I am the only one who struggles with anything in this relationship.

Which is a whine. I know. And not true. That’s what it feels like today, though.

And my heart hurts over my brother in law. Not for his sake, but for hers.

__________

“Threatening someone’s life isn’t a biblical reason for divorce?”
Let’s not quibble about HER biblical letter-of-the-law-ness, shall we? What about yours? The Bible commands husbands to love their wives. Not to FEEL love but to LOVE. Action verb. Have your actions been showing love? If you are threatening her life, you are NOT displaying anything resembling love, so HOW DARE YOU CALL UPON HER TO FOLLOW THE LETTER OF OLD TESTAMENT LAW WHEN YOU REFUSE TO ADHERE TO THE BIBLE YOURSELF?! No sir, I will NOT pray for reconciliation.

If you really do love my sister, if she really is your everything, why in the world would you pay someone  to post that you are in a relationship with them? That does NOT inspire jealousy and desire to take back the husband who has begun an affair with an unattractive, unemployed floozy. Oh no, it inspires rage and feelings of “good riddance!” That you would even play mind games like this is just–ludicrous–absolutely ludicrous. You are a 30 year old grown man, not a a high school student.

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In Which I Muse on the Subject of Free

Dear Librarian Upset about Reduced Free Public Services,

The Single Most Annoying Trick People use To Get Your Attention

This has not much to do with the general content of my posts (wait… I only have a handful of posts–Do I actually have a theme going yet? ^_-)

I’m reposting this mostly for the sheer irony of these beautifully expressed frustrations being freshly pressed (the equivalent of going viral in the wordpress community). I find it difficult to resist truly delicious irony.

In Which the End is Nigh

These are moments of glad grace when the snow begins to melt and winter gives up a sunny day to tease our hearts with the hope of spring.

No one wants to be indoors today. The air is too fresh. The sky is too blue. The sun is too bright. The moderation of cold is too brief.

Tomorrow it will all freeze over again. The bleak grey will return and I will forget the sparkling joy of looking out the window and catching my breath with inward soaring flight. To-dos and should-have-dones will march down their respective lists of attention absorbing demands.

But for this moment, I will savor the memory of mist blanketing the snow in hazy morning glow. An owl in silhouetted feathered fluff perched on a fence post, framed by a field of melting white.

Winter has not yet ended. But in this moment, I know that eventually it will.

The Answer.

“Even when we get our answer, there will always be another question to ask”

In Which I Throw a Party

Unforgettable, that’s what you aren’t. . .
***

My Dearest Nan,

Tomorrow is another day, but tonight is a good night for grieving the loss of this fledgling hope, so quickly fled.

I haven’t told you much about him, But that’s been on purpose. I knew he wouldn’t last. And it didn’t seem like there would be a point to introducing him only to have to retract him so soon.

The worst part is the knowing, the deep internal understanding of things that can’t be explained or fully articulated. I don’t know how I know that he is gone. I just know. He’s been gone for a while. Even when he was still here, he wasn’t fully.

Joe says I judge myself too harshly, but Joe and I spent more time in conversation tonight than he and I have spent in conversation over the entirety of the week. And there’s a sense of disconnect when time and time and time passes so slowly with no words exchanged. No voice to meet mine on the other end of the line. Not even a text message.
The silence corrodes the edges of my soul, rusting out the exposed facades of confidence and cheer.

Tomorrow I shall smile again, apply some makeup, and find something fascinating to do after work.

Tonight I throw a party for one and raise a toast to pity.

I wish you didn’t live so far away so you could join me.

Affectionately yours,
~C

Even together, miles apart