In Which I Have My Reasons

Dear readers, feel free to skip the next weeks of upcoming posts as I will be processing my recent break up. This blog is primarily for nothing more than my own venting purposes, but since one or two people seem to stumble upon my blog every now and again (and a few have even elected to follow it–heaven knows why!) I  figured it was only fair to give a bit of warning.
_________

You are gone.
And I feel a bit like the girl who sings “I Know Him so Well” as she ponders, “If I knew from the start, why amI fallling apart?”

You see, I did know.

I didn’t know exactly how it would happen, or what would be the catalyst; but the inevitability was as sure as the waxing and waning of the moon.
Maybe it’s because I refuse to be content with that which I am offered.
That probability has crossed my mind many a time. Please understand I’m not blaming you.
But whether I should or not, I DO expect to be desired and pursued and treated as though I am WANTED. (Whether or not I’m desirable and wantable is an evaluation for another day.)

For now, I will simply record the signs as I read them (In no particular order):

*You were not eager to talk to me or know me. When we did talk, it was focused on you.You were eager to be known, but you were not very curious about me, my preferences or the way I think, or the things that I care about.

*You were focused on your own happiness. (The only time you seemed truly concerned about my happiness was when you were touching me. And even that was only so-so.)

*You did not say thankyou and rarely expressed gratitude. A few times, you worded things in a way to express your approval (I like that you did such and such), but approval and appreciation are vastly different.

*You rarely used endearments. Twice you referred to me as sunshine. Once you texted me dear. And after three months of dating exclusively, my heart was hungry for more emotional attachment. But sweet nothings were pretty much non-existent.

*The nicest/sweetest thing you ever said to me was that you liked me more than money. And what made that sweet even a little was knowing how much you value money.

*There wasn’t any romance. (I get that life isn’t a romantic comedy, but I didn’t feel woed). Twice you gave me a rose. Once you gave me a bar of chocolate. And once your brought over a bag of oreos. I valued those gifts greatly because they required you to spend money (which is a pretty significant thing in and of itself) on things that were neither functional nor useful. Just delicious and/or prettty.

*You wanted my trust without working for it.
It bothered you that I always wore makeup, but my un-made-up face is one of my greatest vulnerabilities. If I don’t feel like you truly want me (in more than a I-want-to-make-out-with-you-with-my-eyes-closed sense) when I’m wearing makeup, there is no way I’ll not wear makeup. I treat my un-made-up face the way I should treat my physicality: It’s for just anyone, but for someone who has earned my trust and made commitments worthy of receiving said trust.

*You were far more interested in physicality than relationship development. I’m not blaming you. For the most part, I actively encouraged our physicality and willingly participated.

*You said that a relationship should look like a “Giving War”. Yet I never felt like you were engaged in any such giving battle.

*You never once wrote back to my letters.

*You informed me of your big plans, but never included me in them.

*You didn’t seek to include me in your spring break. When I asked you to join me in my plans, you agreed and adjusted your schedule to come with me at a time that was most convenient for me and the family I was visiting, but then got mad at me when the next weekend would have been more convenient for you, but I refused to do a last-minute change. There were reasons why the particular weekend had been selected. Further more, I asked you to come at the behest of the people I was visiting. THEY invited me to invite you. YOU wanted to invite me to your friends’s house. It would have been a dreadful intrusion.

*I gave you pieces of myself that you neither recognized nor valued for the pieces of my soul that they were.

*I have no keepsakes of our time together. A dozen torn scraps of paper and two dried roses… no letters. no worn sweatshirt. no knicknacks, no ticket stubs…

*We avoided deep things.

*You had stopped emailing me alltogether during the last 2 weeks. No more cute youtube videos. no more shared songs. just…. silence…. so much silence.

And now that’s all there will ever be.

Scraps of attention were deeply unsatisfying…. but they were scraps. Which are more than nothing. Now there is nothing. And ridiculously, I miss the something that was. I miss the hope of what our relationship could have been.

I’ve never been very good about dealing with silence.